Saturday, June 13, 2009

a total stinker

If all her books are as bad as this one - and this author has published dozens of books - I really really wonder what the H*** is wrong with the publishing industry and with readers. I don't mean to insult those who are big fans, but you know.... I have suggestions for much, much better books. MUCH better. If you dig contemp western romances, even, and I'm not much of a western person. Just please, step away from the Palmer.

It was Fearless by Diana Palmer. I give it an F.

I bought it on a whim when at B&N for a couple of other books. I generally get everything from the library, but the latest Alyssa Day, Christie Craig, and Sherry Thomas paperbacks haven't gotten there yet and I am not a patient type, so I splurged.

But this book was just awful. I am never, ever again trying out a new-to-me author by actually buying the book, even if the reviews aren't too bad. I mean, B- from one review site? B- is a decent book with a few flaws honey, not this bit of garbage.

(Oh, thank goodness, some others have given Palmer D's for others of her books. I should have read those reviews first. And unlike those reviewers, I WON'T be reading any more Palmer and then say that oh, this one is just a fluke - every single review in recent history says that. MAYBE all her recent books stink which is when it's time to STOP READING books by the author and maybe someone with a decent book can get published in her place. RANT RANT)

It's about 300 pages long and about 200 of those are backstory. The first hundred pages were basically ALL back story. I only kept reading because I kept hoping something would happen other than telling us about the heroine's abusive childhood and the hero's love for his former crimefighting partner. OVER AND OVER.

And then I was sorry when things did happen. The hero is an undercover DEA agent, who is a former mercenary and is wanted in every country other than the US (never heard of extradition laws?) and he's undercover, but using his own name and his former DEA partner (the one he's in love with but she went back to her ex-husband because they're still in love, it was all just a misunderstanding - apparently in an earlier book) comes to visit him on the farm where he's undercover without any sort of subterfuge. And no one EVER tries to find out who he is. The drug lord says "Oh yeah, of COURSE I want you to run drugs for me!"

So the heroine is an assistant DA and a drug lord has made a death threat, so she's in hiding. Only it's her stepbrother who arranges it, not the witness protection program. I mean, the DA sat there and said they didn't have the money for it, sorry, so she's actually on the farm and in the house where she was abused by her mom and NO ONE in the teeny-tiny town recognizes her except one guy who's, I dunno, a cop somewhere else and comes to visit his mother every week.

And so the hero's the one that has hired the tattooed gang members to work on the farm and is pretending to be running drugs, only no one in the whole book knows how to do background checks. Or to freaking GOOGLE each other, because I am sure that ADA's named Gloryanne are not all that thick on the ground.

Because the drug lord trusts this DEA agent who's working under his own name. Because the assassin that has been hired is a woman with a long criminal record that the super perfect DEA agent never even checked out, but who is working in the farm kitchen and has the keys to his house. (In a real book, this would have been the DEA agent whose death they were investigating. Seriously.)

Because even in hiding, the heroine is using her own name, too, and the DEA agent never even checks it, though she's living in his house.

All this all leads to the misunderstandings, too, because the DEA guy thinks the ADA is really actually only an itinerant cook that some guy had him hire to help make jam. She's not beautiful and walks with a limp and he thinks she's stupid, but he sleeps with her anyway and then talks about her behind her back - including to this ex-partner who he's in love with - and she always ends up hearing. And she thinks he's an actual drug dealer. She works as an Assistant DA. Goodbye career!

So what do they do? Well, get married, of course.

And right up to five seconds before the end of the book, he just thinks she's stupid and sneers about her. They even get divorced and she miscarries and almost dies because she has a bunch of other health problems, so he feels guilty, but still thinks she's some stupid wench who's out for his money. He finally finds out that she's an ADA and that she does wear expensive clothes and then he falls in love.

So of course, she goes back to him.

And they get remarried and she has a baby and everyone is blissfully happy. Because it was truuuue loooove.

Apparently, the next book is about this heroine's stepbrother and stepsister who fall in love. And thank goodness they're not actually related by blood, but you know? Still seriously gross. I have adopted siblings and NO - just NO. OK, so my siblings are mostly girls, but still.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Still better than the worst book I ever read wherein the hero was tormented because in his youth he had been teased mercilessly about the size of his {ahem} junk. Not that it was small. It was large. He was called Hoseboy. You think I'm joking but I would NOT make that up.

Sometimes i want to rewrite bad books like that and make them good. This one sounds like there is too much wrong with it though.

I pretty much only read books that were recommended to me by someone I trust (or were free for the Kindle and then I'm willing to not finish them).

Philippa Lodge said...

The basic idea, the one where two people who are in hiding/undercover and don';t know if they can trust each other is an OK one. It was the total idiocy of how they got there and what they did then and just plain bad writing and bad plotting...

And yeah, yours sounds worse, especially since that's what you remember most.

Tina said...

Wow, Phyllis -- and I thought "Shameless" was bad. Well, it was bad, but TSTL wasn't one of the many character flaws on display. How on earth did you finish this thing?